Friday, January 6, 2012

Well...here I am...flaws and all

Well, I finally went back to WW after many tribulations in my life with the addition of the holidays I kind of forgot about me and what makes me happy.  I have forgotten that when I forget to love myself...it makes it hard to share myself and love with others.  I have had a ton of bricks dropped on me in the past month and I realized that as an addict I will look for any excuse to fall off the wagon.  Well, I officially did.  For quite some time.  I woke up and said enough is enough and went to weigh in...expecting the worst!  I missed two weigh ins...I gained 2.8 lbs before that and when I weighed in this week I gained an additional 5.6.  So that is still less then I thought, but still a gain.  I keep telling myself that I won't beat myself up and I will get back on the wagon and I start every day with great intentions, but end with such failure.  I am not sure what it will take to get my head back in the game and remember that what I feel like now is not what I want to feel like...making the wrong choices is making me feel worse about myself.  I try to remember that, but then the addict inside me takes any excuse I have to stop.  I am going to continue to try each day to fight this battle.  I am happy to know I have my WW crew back because I lost my favorite leader of all times!  She moved, so that is part of the reason I stopped going.  I hadn't stayed for a meeting in 3 weeks because I couldn't stand her sub.  He actually cleared our whole class because he was such a bad leader.

I went back with my bad attitude and then saw that I had a sub that I knew I actually liked!  I had every intention of not staying that day, but I ended up staying and it felt great.  That good feeling never seems to pull me through tho.  I make it to lunch EVERY day and then I fall off the wagon.  I am doing something wrong and I will figure it out and be back with a vengeance.  I miss having weight loss buddies with me in class and I miss having a tangible goal, but life is never black and white so I must remind myself of the grey and move forward.  I have to muck through the grey and get to the other side.  I also have to remind myself that it isn't all or nothing in this world.  There is a such thing as doing it a little and not all the way...that does NOT make me a failure.  It means I am trying and I will try a little more each day.  I think I am ditching my iwatchr for the moment and moving on to a real tracker.  maybe mixing it up a bit will help me. 

Sorry for the rambling, but I had a lot to get off my chest.  I hope that this post will help me and others realize that just because you aren't perfect at something does not mean you are failing at it..it means you are trying and that is better then doing nothing!  Onward and upwards :)