Wow...glad I got that off my chest...

I went to a very emotional WW today.  I even took my daughter to Grampy's house while I went because in the back of my mind I knew this was going to be a hard one.  I went in said it's been a hard week and then proceeded to cry IN WW while I started to tell my story and then just had to walk away.  I felt like this was my closure I needed...something to put this all behind me.  My friend summed it up best when she said this was you realizing you can stand on your own two feet now...you don't have to rely on the wedding as your goal.  I always was doing this for me but with a greater purpose in mind.  Now, this is all me and it was a bit scary.  Speaking of scary...I then had to weigh in after my emotional week.  I was picking more then normal just due to stress.  Then I got on the scale and the nice lady who weighed me in said...you have hit 45 lbs lost!  I was amazed!  That was another 1.6 pounds lost!  It was kind of reassurance that I am doing this right and I was the one who was most hard on myself.  I doubted myself until I could get to my next meeting and I realized...I am taking care of me!  I truly believe it is mostly due to the fact that I don't talk bad to myself anymore.  I don't put myself down...I just say oh well it was a mistake and move on...granted there are times of doubt but I never put myself down over it...which is HUGE for me!  I am glad I got to go and have closure on so many levels.  My new goal is to be AT goal weight by my birthday.  That is 4 months away and around 50 pounds...wait..now that I type that I need a more attainable goal.  How about I will be in the 140's by my birthday?  That sounds good!  A big sigh of relief and now I get to move on.  Thanks for listening everyone!

miss the I choose me feeling...

Day by day and I am eating everything in front of me.  I know it is wrong, but I keep doing it.  I have been put in a position where I forgot what it's like to choose me again!  I don't know what it takes to get me back there...I think I just have to get through my weigh in this week and move on...but for some reason that weigh in is what I need to move forward.  I feel like I am getting back into my rut where I push everything down with food.  I am trying to move past this.  I have been cleaning the house like crazy which helps alleviate some of my frustrations and feelings but I am still eating...I have to remember that place that day that I chose me...I miss that feeling.  I will get back there, but in the meantime I am trying to talk nice to myself about what is going on with me because a WW leader told us once if you don't talk nice to yourself then you will never be nice to yourself.  I think points plus is a great program to be on in my position because when i do want to eat it is easy to grab fruits or veggies which is good and makes me fuller.  I will see how I do this week at my weigh in which is tomorrow and then move forward.  Tomorrow can't come soon enough!  I miss the I choose me feeling...

wow...did I get off track...

Well some of you know and some of you don't of the drama going on in my life as of late and then there are those of you who don't know.  Said drama is why I had to make my blog private by invite only (I know some people have been asking).  If you don't know just believe me when I say it is life altering drama that stops with me...I refuse to be a pot stirrer.  The only reason I brought it up here was because it pertains to my story...which is...wow...did I get off track...

The me 3-4 days ago would have been a points snob and freak if I went over in points...this me (which I must say I am not liking) has gone over in points 2 days in a row without batting an eye!  Who is this girl...I don't know but she has to go!  I have created a new goal for myself which I feel is completely attainable.  By my birthday (June 18) I would like to be at goal!  I think it's realistic and gives me a new goal to work toward.  I also know that because of all that has been going on I have not really talked about my feelings (which is why I was fat in the first place) and I would push my feelings down with food...well bloggers, I am back and sharing my feelings so I don't have to get back to that place I was again!

Tip of the day:  Don't keep anything in, talk about your feelings and surround yourself with people who love, care about you and support you!

They didn't have this in your size...

Well, the circumstances of today changed and I ended up trying on dresses.  Just my luck I bring back all the dresses I love and I find "the one" and go up to ring it up...boo doesn't come in the color we need for the wedding...which worked out to be a blessing in disguise!  So, back to square one...go to the pictures of dresses let me try on this one this one and this one.  So, the nice sales lady goes and picks up the first one to which was neon orange (the only color they had in store in my size) and I tried it on...eh...it was ok but not love, then another nope not that one either...then the last one..put it on and it was cute (weird it had pockets but whatever).  I put it on and only zipped it the 1/2 way like I did all the other dresses because I couldn't zip it all the way.  I walked out and looked in the mirror and I kind of liked it (minus the weird pockets that I will have them sew shut).  Oh I just gave away the ending...yep I got that one.  So, then the bride says to me "Yeah the saleswoman said they didn't have this in your size".  I was like great...really now this is a BIGGER size and I couldn't zip it.  I reluctantly looked down at the tag and saw it was a 12!  All the other dresses I was trying on were 14...so I was in love even MORE with that dress...lol!  Who knew that a dress can be taken in 2 dress sizes so I just ordered a 14 just to be safe and it can be taken down to a 10 with no extra alteration fees.  I am kind of excited at the idea of going back in 3 months to go try on the dress again and see how it fits and how much material they will have to cut off of it!  My arms are out of the dress so, there will be an additional amount of arm work added onto my exercising (anyone have suggestions?).  Oh...I can't build up this dress and not show you...tell me what you think?  I will be wearing it in Marine blue.  I hope I can be a good maid of honor in that dress and not be the person I feared up there (not only the old one, but the fat one too haha)!

Today I choose me....

So, I already had anxiety about trying on dresses for a wedding that I will be in July 2011.  Take that anxiety and add to the mix someone who isn't super close was going to join us for the dress hunt because she has to get a dress too!  And...I found that all out today...one day before the dress try on.  My initial thought was to go jump into the bag of M&Ms and eat my way out AFTER I was finished hyperventilating.  Then I thought OMGosh I need a meeting!  I was frantically searching for one..what was I going to do.  After my breakdown (to which I only ate 2 M&Ms and my FAVORITE stress food which is WW ice cream candy bars) I took a deep breath and thought to myself...I am not putting myself in a position where I will feel bad about myself when I should feel good about myself.  So, I decided to just go and be support for everyone else and not try on anything until I can celebrate myself rather then stand in a mirror next to a person who is many sizes smaller then me in a dress (and not to mention MUCH younger).  I must credit great friends and family for getting me through this breakdown.  My Mom surprised me by really sticking up for me through the whole thing...she gets it...she has been there.

I felt bad because the people who organized the whole shindig don't get it.  They have never been overweight and don't know what it is like to not feel good about yourself...to step out of a dressing room and fear what you might see in the mirror.  I choose to go when I can put on the dress (hopefully be surprised at the size) and walk out and not have someone else standing next to me that I would compare myself to. I want to just see me.  We all compare ourselves on a daily basis to others and yearn to be more like someone other then ourself.  I am in the process of learning what it means to love myself.  If WW taught me one thing it is that I get to be selfish about some things.  How I feel about my self image is one of the things I am choosing to be selfish about....I choose me.

Weigh-In Day

Weigh-In Day after no sleep...and I didn't stay for the meeting (hate that).  My little one was up throwing up every hour, but I couldn't miss my weigh in.  I lost 1.2 lbs even with all the stress of my week.  Not to shabby!  I upped my working out this week and lost less...I think building muscle works against you for a little while but then works in your favor...we will see!  I just love seeing my number start with a 1!

Great giveaway...

Go to Friends for weight loss giveaway for a chance to win a yummo cookbook!